The smile at the end of the title might seem strange because of the rest of it. I finally have gotten to a place where I am able to handle not being ok. I used to panic and pretend everything was ok. I got really good at lying to myself. But I really am not ok. I have not been ok for a while. I ignore the parts of my life that make me sad and big surprise they don’t go away. I live in a town where there is not really a lot happening and there is not a lot happening in my life. I have made some improvements I came out to most friends and family. I am starting to go back to school. It is hard to just let it all go. I guess it is harder than I thought to shake off being in a cult…. Oops sorry religion. All of that self hate doesn’t just go away. I am afraid of my wants so I ignore them and then I don’t know what I want. I am not ok but that is ok, I am getting better.
I am not ok :)